The definition of attachment parenting (AP) is a parenting philosophy based on the concept of allowing the child to 'separate' from the parent at its own pace. Shearn Yoong and I basically subscribe to this idea of parenting, though I'm sure our version looks different than the next AP parent. However, what this means at age 2 vs. age 4 is what I'm currently struggling with.
Benji attended his first gymnastics class a few weeks ago and loved it. This was his first class where I wasn't right next to him at all times, though I was in the bleachers watching. I was pleasantly surprised how well he did. Then when it was time to go again the following week, he said, "I want to wait longer before starting gymnastics." A complete reversal. I tried to probe why he had changed his mind but couldn't get to the root of it. I have a pretty good idea though. I think he had a great time (as evidenced by his huge smile and enthusiasm following the class). But then he got thinking, "Hey, wait a minute. Neither my mom nor my dad were right there with me. That wasn't actually fun after all." I gave him a few more weeks and then said we'd start again this week - our class was supposed to be this afternoon. Every time I mentioned it, he said he wanted to start "later."
The question is, to push or not to push. Shearn Yoong and I have decided not to push and will not be going this afternoon. I confess, I'm really disappointed. And I know that it's not just in regards to him but projecting myself in him. I was a shy girl growing up. I still am shy but force myself out of my shell. I finally realized in college that people who talk with strangers, even if they don't feel like it, seem to have a lot more fun in life. I HATED junior high and high school - not for academic reasons but social ones. I hope both of my children can spare some of that, and I wonder if I push them some now, maybe they won't suffer so much as I did.
This issue for Benji comes up a lot. He would prefer to avoid any large group of people who he doesn't know, but guess what? This is difficult to do. And it makes life a lot more boring for the rest of the family. So it's not an option. I took the two boys to an ice cream social on Saturday afternoon, thinking it would be lots of fun. Wrong. I take that back, Zac had a great time, but Benji definitely did not. A bowl full of sugar didn't even make the crowd bearable.
Anybody with experience on this issue - any advice? Just be patient? Push? Don't push? This parenting stuff - it's a tricky business!
4 comments:
Laurel, I totally feel your pain! You've seen us go through this EVERY WEEK at playgroup! These are people they can't even remember NOT knowing! Especially with Ava, she is so shy and it is very difficult for me to deal with at times, I am pretty much the opposite! I know it's hard, but be patient. There will come a day that they won't want to be around us so much and we'll be wishing for these days again :)
I hesitate to say much on topics like this, but I'm going to branch out.
As a fellow AP style mom, this has been my experience: in situations like you've described, I think it takes some kids warm-up time to get used to new things. I have one who struggles with transitions and crowds and all kinds of things; we've learned to have a grace period for adjustments.
If I were in your shoes, I would take him back for a set number of weeks (that my husband and I would decide and discuss with said child), then if there was still resistance, or if at some point prior it became a real struggle (ie, regular meltdowns or inability to cope with the setting, etc), we'd stop taking him.
I hope that made sense...and I am in no way saying what you did was wrong. The bottom line is, you know your child best and you know what he can handle.
Shearn Yoong and I talked about it some more last night and we decided basically what you suggested Crystal. But we're going wait a month or 2 months, and then say we're going to start gymnastics - more of a statement rather than a suggestion. I really think he'll be fine once he gets used to it because he enjoyed it so much the first time.
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